Richard Jeni Quotes

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’

The way I see life, it’s like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’

I don’t get that – people going to war over religion. I don’t know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

Animals are happier than humans because they’re like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don’t have it.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

A bunch of money-grubbin’, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we’re pumping out by accident?

The only difference between the women I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.